What hurts the most
by blueskies perish
Summary: After Greg was attacked the one person he depended on left him to suffer on his own. Can Greg forgive that?


Greg sat on his old couch; something he carried over from his college years. He stared blankly at the television. A football game was on, but he really wasn't paying attention to it. Just like he wasn't paying attention to the radio that sang from the bathroom, though he'd been sitting idle for a good two hours.. Or the sink full of dirty dishes, or the overflowing garbage can. He was just zoning. He'd been doing a lot of that lately. Greg hadn't left his apartment once in the last 2 weeks.

He was recovering from his beating by the "cult" of kids. Grissom had basically forbidden him from returning back to work before his two weeks of leave were up, and quite honestly, Greg was ok with that. He wasn't hurt any longer, the scars and bruises would fade eventually, but he just didn't have any desire to move. At all. His family had come up and stayed with him for a few days, and nearly everybody from work had made it a point to come over a few times.

There were only three people that hadn't. Hodges was among them, but he wasn't expected to. After all, he had no heart or soul. Mandy kept in contact via telephone, but didn't make it over. Then there was the person whose lack of presence hurt the most. Nick Stokes. Nick hadn't come over, hadn't called, hadn't texted, hadn't shown any signs of concern or care since the incident.

Nick, who made work so much less awkward when Greg had first started. Nick, who was always there for him when he needed. Nick, who had served as a great friend for 3 years. Nick, who shared Greg's bed for the last year and a half. Greg could have sworn he shared his heart too, but now…

He could almost hear Nick's words "I love you so much that it honestly kills me some days." muttered under fresh linen in the deep hours of the night. Greg had that whole scene on replay, along with so many others. The first time they kissed, after two very dramatic confessions, and 2 cases of beer. They day Nick asked Greg to move in with him. Everything was so perfect, and then just out of no where he suddenly doesn't care anymore.

The last time Greg saw him was n the hospital, the morning after the attack. He remembers that scene perfectly too.

"Are you ok?" the Texan accent flowed across the room. He walked slowly to the bed, his eyes wide and unbelieving.

Greg had felt relieved to hear that voice. "I'll be fine, the doctors said…"

"Greg I thought you were dead." Nicks voice shook, and his eyes were laced with something. Fear? Worry? Both? "we didn't know anything, and the scanner made a false report. They said you were dead, and…"

"But I'm ok now. See, look. I'm not dead." he smiled slightly. His voice was slurred from the facial swelling. Nicks expression didn't change. "Come here. I need you." he said, but Nick didn't move.

Instead he wiped at his eyes and looked around. "I…" his voice broke, and he no longer made eye contact with the younger man. "I'm so sorry, G." and he left.

And that was it. Greg tried calling him the whole first week, before gave up. Grissom said Nick took his sick days and didn't say when he was coming back. He did come back after 5 days, but still made no attempt to get in contact with Greg.

So as Greg sat alone of his old couch, not watching football, he thought of all the things of Nicks he had. About the lease he had broken with his landlord not a month ago. About the attack, about the laundry piling up, and lack of food in his apartment. He felt an overwhelming tightness in his chest. It occurred to him though that he was becoming numb. Maybe that was a good thing. He wasn't crying anymore. His dad would have been proud of that, because men don't cry.

The lights in the room started dimming, and the noise of the tv started to fade, until he heard the telephone ringing. His cell phone was on the table (waiting) beside him, but that wasn't the phone that was ringing. It was the house phone.

Greg stood and walked quickly to it. No one ever calls on his house phone. Maybe it was Nick. Maybe he was calling to apologize. He picked up the phone. "n…..hello?"

"Hey Greg." a calm and cheerful voice came through the reciever.

Greg sighed. "Hi Sara" and he settled into the recliner.

The next day Greg awoke to a voice he recognized as the old and balding ESPN announcer. Evidently after talking with Sara he passed out. He crawled off the couch and went to the shower. Afterwards he threw on gray gym shorts and a black long sleeved shirt, and turned the radio off in the bathroom. Since he did that he figured he could attempt to maybe pick up a few things around the house. By 1 the majority of cleaning work was done. The dishes had been tackled, the dirty clothes were in the wash. The apartment smelled more of dish soap than it had of stale pizza. He hadn't taken the garbage out, however it sat double bagged, by the door waiting.

Sara promised to come by with lunch before work, so when a knock came at the door, he naturally assumed it to be her. Upon opening the door Greg wasn't met by Sara in her burgundy leather jacket and heels, holding a pizza though. Instead it was Nick.

Nick in his black sports jacket and sneakers; hands in pockets, head down. Hair perfectly in place, of course. Eyes peeking up at him.

Greg wasn't sure if he wanted to say something to the older man or not, but he knew he couldn't if he tried. He just stared.

"Hi." Nick whispered cautiously. Greg folded his arms across his chest in a subconscious attempt to protect himself from the awkwardness in his doorway. He'd been waiting for this moment for so many days now, and here it was. He felt himself become defensive, all his sad feeling melting to anger. He was mad Nick just showed up like he did. Why wasn't he excited like he'd been in his thoughts the last 2 weeks? He continued to stare at Nick, his lips pressed tight together.

"Greg…" Nick started, reaching his hand out to touch him, but stopped. "I fucked up."

Greg just snorted.

"I know, I know. Lets talk." it was a question. The older mans eyes searched for an OK to come into the apartment. After a long few seconds Greg stood to the side and let him in.

Nicks eyes scanned his younger face again, realizing all the scars and blotches that had yet to recover. "Jesus, are you ok G?"

Greg let his hands drop to his sides. "Oh this?" sarcastically he pointed to his face. "that hasn't hurt in days. It's healing actually. My injuries are fine."

Nick got the hint. "are you ok though?"

"Do you really want to know the answer to that?" Greg asked, quietly.

"Of course I do."

"Really? Because you sure could have fooled me."

"I deserve that." Nick said.

"Yeah you do. You deserve a hell of a lot more than that. A few angry words, Nick? that's nothing."

"I know, I know I do. I have no excuse for what I did."

"Well you better try me with one. Why? Why did you just leave like that?" greg yelled the question.

Nick hesitated. He didn't know the answer. "I…was afraid…"

"YOU were aftraid?" Greg yelled again. He looked around "you were afraid. Let me tell you something Nick…"

He was cut off "I know."

"No you don't know, stop saying you know. You don't know anything. You don't know anything because you chose to not learn anything. Did it ever occur to you that I was afraid, maybe? I was attacked in an alley, I KILLED a kid, Nick. I was afraid. I was terrified, and I needed you and you were no where to be found. You think you were afraid because you saw me in a hospital bed, well try closing your eyes and only seeing a dead teenager that you took the life from, then opening your eyes to see that the person you trusted so much, who supposedly loved you so much not there!"

"I didn't think I could help you. I didn't know if I could look at you and not go and kill all those kids myself. "

"That's a bullshit excuse, and you know it."

"When dispatch came in and said that you…..we all really believed you were dead, Greg. All of us. I lost it. I collapsed, and I had no idea how to even handle myself. I thought of everything we sacrificed in the past years, and of everything we could never do. That feeling of misery, I wouldn't wish it anyone. And then all of a sudden your alive and….I just didn't know how to handle it. How to handle anything."

Nick looked down at the ground.

Now Greg's anger turned back to sadness. He felt his eyes water and knew his dad would shoot him for this. "I want to be mad at you. I want to hate you right now, and I cant." Nick looked up and locked eyes with his lover. "Because you came back. You're here and I missed you so fucking much."

Without a seconds hesitation Nick stepped forward, closing the gap between them. He wrapped his arms around Greg and held him there, nuzzling his face into the wavy hair. "I'm so sorry, Greg." He wrapped his arms around the younger mans shoulders, and held the back of his head. "I missed this. Just touching you. I promise I'm here for good."

The loud and obnoxious rock band blaring from Greg's pants interrupted the moment. They both looked down. "Well that's a new development." Nick remarked.

Greg reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell. "New ring tone." he mumbled, answering the phone.

"Hi Sara." pause. "No, it's….." longer pause. "Well yeah, that is his car. We were just talking." pause. "No, no, you can come in." pause. "I'm sorry, I feel bad…" pause again. "Ok, that works. Thanks Sara."

"Did I come at a bad time?"

"No. Well I mean yeah, Sara has been bringing pizza over every day before her shift. She saw your car and didn't want to come In."

"Sorry I ruined your dinner." Nick said.

Greg sat down and motioned for Nick to join. "Hodges will appreciate it."

They sat for a few moments in silence then talked. Just talked about little things and big things, and anything in between. They talked about the stray cat that was hanging around the apartment. About the lawsuit coming against Greg from the James' family. About new upcoming movies. About Nicks speeding ticket he'd gotten from his recent week long road trip. But eventually Nick had to go to work.

"Will I see you after my shift?"

Greg hesitated. "If you want to. You still have the key." Nicks smile was worth a thousand words. He leaned in and gently kissed Greg, then left.

At 8 am Nick slowly slid his key into the wooden door and quietly let himself in. walking into the bedroom, he heard Greg snoring lightly. He quietly slid out of his jeans and laid down beside Greg. Nick propped up on one elbow and just stared at the beauty in front of him. God he missed this. Missed Greg. He stayed like this for 10 or so minutes before he brushed his fingertips against Greg's cheek, just wanting to feel the warmth. The younger man stirred slightly but didn't wake up. Then Nick ran his fingers through the thing brown mess on his head, remembering again how he missed the softness.

This time Greg woke. "Nick." his voice low, diluted from sleep.

"Hey you." Nick said smiling a little.

"How was work?" Greg shifted his eyes.

"Same old. How was bed?"

"Comfy." he hesitated. "a little lonely."

Nick laid down fully beside his lover, putting his arm on the younger mans chest. "Well it shouldn't be lonely anymore. We've got all day to occupy it." then asked "I thought you hate these sheets? You never leave them on for more than a few days."

"I haven't slept in the bed." Greg answered. The air in the room got thicker. "I tried the first night, but it was easier on the couch. I couldn't move that well and hit hurt to lay completely flat with my ribs. Besides the medication they gave me made me feel high, and the living room is smaller, less mind tricks." he said with a smile in his voice.

Nick frowned. Greg missed it on his face, but heard in in his voice. "I didn't know your ribs were broken."

"You weren't there when they told me." he looked away. He knew his words hurt the man laying beside him. In a way he was happy about hat stab. But after the look on Nicks face he wasn't happy. He was just sad again. Nick came back. No mater what happened in the last 13 days he came back.

So Greg rolled over and pressed himself against his boyfriend. He knew they would get through this.

"I cant say how much I'm sorry." Nick said, looking into the chocolate eyes.

"Then don't. I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"I need you to know though."

"I love you." Greg said simply, his head on Nicks chest.

Nick was quiet for a second then said "I love you too. So much that I really don't think I could ever explain it."

They kissed. It turned passionate fast. Despite the emotional rollercoaster ride they were still 2 men who hadn't had sex in 2 weeks. Hands started to roam, rubbing and massaging. Greg broke the kiss and moved from Nicks mouth to jaw, then neck. His lips were wet and the liquid warm, making Nick's blood pump faster. Greg all but crawled over top of him, his mouth continuing on its path. Nick groaned and held his hands up. "Lets just…"

"No I need this." Greg panted. "I need it." he leaned in and put his lips to Nicks ear "Please, Nicky?"

Nick touched a finger to Greg's parted and swollen lips. Then he gently laid the man down, hovering above him. He leaned in and let his mouth do its magic across Greg's neck and collar bone. He sucked slightly on the skin, reclaiming territory. He could feel Greg's erection through the sweat pants and through his own boxers he knew he was just as hard. He licked down to Gregs nipples, biting on each and savoring the moan that came from above him. Through the fabric Nick rubbed Greg's erection, and took a firm hold of it, his tongue dancing just outside of Greg's earlobe now.

Abruptly Nick snaked down so his head was juat above Greg's lap. His finger stroked Greg's dick long and slow.

"Please." the whine came from those same swollen lips, looking down into equally dark eyes. He gripped the sheets of the bed, his eyes begging. Nick smiled and took all of Greg into his mouth at once, immediately sucking.

The moan that escaped the younger of the two's lips filled the room. Nick bobbed his head, giving his boyfriend the pleasure he needed. He took in Greg's moans and abandoned words, the voice turning him on impossibly more. He wanted this to last, but he knew it wouldn't, and by the way Greg's breathing was increasing he knew he needed to stop.

With a small pop, nick lets Greg's digit slip from his mouth, earning a groan in response. But Greg sat up, and reached for Nicks hips, motioning for the older man to sit on his knees. Nick obliged. Now he did the stroking, with feather light touches. Nick sighed, his hand falling to rest on the shoulder perched in front of him. "Nick?" Greg asked softly, his eyes darkening. "Did you touch yourself while you were gone?" his hand took firm hold now and slowly pumped.

Nicks mouth hung open, his hips pushing forward just barely.

"Nicky? Did you do this to yourself?"

"N-no. not once."

Greg looked up. "Really? You never let your big, strong hands slid down your chest? And you never wrapped your fingers around your big cock and stroked yourself?"

Nick groaned. He was pumping faster now.

"And Nicky? You never thought of me doing this to you? Hm? Did you think of me laid naked before you, ready for you to pound into me?" Greg had his face just an inch from Nick's dick, and his hand pumped like crazy at the swollen member. They made eye contact, and Nick touched his hair again. Greg smiled. Then kissed the head of his lover's cock, and fell back to the bed. "Fuck me." he ordered.

Nick grinned like an idiot as he reached over and grabbed the bottle of lube they kept on the floor just under the bed skirt. He covered his erection and hand then reached forward to immediately push a long finger inside Greg.

"mmm" Greg moaned, spreading his legs. Nick leaned in to claim his lips in another sloppy kiss. While tongues met and battled for space, another finger slid into Greg's, pulling and stretching. One last finger entered Greg's body before all three were removed and Nick lined up with the opening.

Greg closed his eyes, his mouth hung open. "Don't do that, I want to see you." Nick said, his voice deep and accented.

Slowly Nick pushed in. they never broke eye contact, even as Nick started to move in and out, his hips picking up a rhythm. His movements started slow and got faster. And harder. Greg's mouth hung wide open, but he didn't make any noise. With every thrust his face squinted in a way that represented immense pleasure. He gripped Nicks upper arms, but Nick moved and interlaced all 20 of their fingers.

"Ok?" he asked in between his own moans and sighs.

Finally Greg exhaled the air he'd been holding in his lungs, and it came out in a high moan. "Yes" he said, out of breath. Then when Nick slammed in again, his prostrate being struck, Greg moaned out again. Louder this time. He was trying not to scream. "Oh god." he chanted. "Yeah, yeah, yeah." his eyes closed.

Nick let go of one hand now, and reached down to take hold of Greg's aching erection. He pumped it in tune with his thrusts.

"fuck!" Greg hissed.

"Your so hot when you swear." Nick said deeply. One hand still in Greg's, one hand still on his dick, Nick bent down to lick at the hot skin below Greg's ear.

Their moans over took the room, and they were just seconds away from spilling over the edge.

"Come for me." Nick whispered and licked and the skin there.

Greg clenched his muscles around his boyfriend, and came. He yelled out as he did, jerking his hips up, riding out the orgasm.

Only thrusts later Nick followed, burying his face in Greg's neck.

2 hours, a shower, and breakfast later the two men lay back in bed with new sheets. Nick laid on his back, his arm straight out. Greg laied on his side, facing Nick, his neck resting on the muscular arm.

"Your probably very tired." Greg said.

"Your probably not." Nick replied, looking over with a smirk on his face.

"Not really. I'm not getting up though."

"You gonna watch me sleep, G?"

Greg put his hand on Nicks chest and smiled softly. "Maybe."


End file.
